Foster 'grandma' gives credit to God and late husband

By LORI BERGLUND
Special to Lumen Media
 
“For I was hungry, and you gave me to eat. — Mt 25:35.

           Children have often arrived at Marge Flannery’s Fort Dodge home in the middle of the night, in the backseat of a police car. They were scared, probably hungry and often in the same clothes they had been wearing for days.

            First with her late husband, Larry, and now on her own, Flannery has been fostering children for a half century. But she hasn’t really been counting the years; it’s just what she does, a part of her DNA.

            “God gave me this ability to help kids feel safe,” Flannery said.

            She gives all the credit to God, and to her beloved husband.

            “People don’t realize it, but this was all Larry,” she said. Like any successful parenting, foster parenting was a group effort for the couple. After her husband passed away in 2011, Flannery kept right on caring for kids in need as a foster parent for the state of Iowa. She was honored earlier this year for her 50 years of service.

            To Flannery, it’s not about the accolades, but about the kids — in whom she always sees just a person in need. Deal with them honestly, for they will know if you are not. Give them structure, because they need it, she advises.

            Respecting that kids are pretty smart is part of her success. She recalled a group of siblings who had been brought to her from a very difficult home situation. Flannery did not use any sugar-coating, she treated the kids with respect and let them know she would be there for them.

            “I sat them at my kitchen table and told them, ‘Your mom and dad have some problems, and they need to work on that — you know that. While they are doing that, I’m going to be your grandma. No one can have too many grandmas,’” Flannery recalled.

            Almost immediately she could see a sense of calm come over the kids. She would not pretend to work miracles for the kids, but to be there for them. Much of what she does with her foster kids she learned from her own mother.

            “We were very poor, but we didn’t know we were poor. We had a great life,” she recalled. “I was the third of eight children, and once I came along, she just had the older ones help the next one. We just helped each other.”

            Foster children in her care are often not familiar with the tradition of family dinners, or even eating at a table. She will teach them how to set a table and how to help the younger ones at the table. In essence, they learn the basics of family structure.
 
 
God has his ways
            Both Marge and Larry Flannery were cradle Catholics, born and raised in Minnesota. After they married in 1959, they had two daughters beginning in 1960; Michele and Kathy. But Flannery seldom shares that the couple also had two sons that they lost as infants. It was a very painful time in her life, but she sees now that God was working through all of those difficult days.

            “God never gave us any more children after we lost the two boys,” she said. “It was a difficult time for Larry and me.”

            By 1970 the couple decided to try and adopt a son. They were living in Mason City at the time and worked with Catholic Charities in Waterloo. Almost on a whim, she asked their case worker if they ever had twins available to adopt.

            “I was at a very low time, because we had lost two children, and my sister by that time had two sets of twins,” she recalled.

            Women who have struggled with infertility will understand the pain of watching everyone else having kids with apparent ease.

            “Am I being punished?” Flannery asked herself. “You go through all of those stages.”
            But, Flannery notes, God was working on her behalf. It wasn’t long before the case worker from Catholic Services called and said he had identical twin boys, if the couple was willing to take them.

            “Will it cost us double?” she had to ask.

            No, there was no extra charge. And, yet again, Flannery soon saw the hand of God at work. An unexpected inheritance from an extended family member arrived in the mail. It was just $600, not a great amount in today’s world, but the exact amount the couple needed for the adoption fee.

            Twins Jeff and Joe joined the Flannery family 55 years ago, and their family might have been complete, had it not been for two girls who would arrive, one by one, in the years after the couple became foster parents.

            “Mari was my foster daughter, my adopted daughter, she’s really just my daughter,” Flannery said of the now grown woman who still shares her home.

            “I got her at seven days old out of Iowa City,” We adopted her at 4 and a half.”

            At the time, it was still illegal for foster parents to adopt a child they were fostering. But Flannery was a strong advocate on Mari’s behalf and she became “an exception to policy.”

            Mari’s natural mother had long since abandoned her, and Flannery advocated that it wasn’t right to keep a child “in limbo.” As the years progressed, Mari’s special needs became more evident. Although she is now legally blind, Mari was happily coloring at her mother’s table on a recent Saturday morning. Her needs are great, but Flannery leaves no doubt that the love shared between mother and daughter make it all worthwhile.

            A few years later they adopted Molly, another long-standing foster child in their care.

            “She was the cutest, happiest baby ever,” Flannery recalled. The couple checked her out of the hospital at about three weeks old and would spend the next few years fostering her.

            “Larry said, ‘She’s staying,” she explained, and the couple eventually adopted Molly as well.
 
Helping God, helping others
            The couple never really set out to become foster parents. It was simply a case of a family in need. In 1974, their daughters were students at St. Edmond High School in Fort Dodge when the mother of one of the daughter’s friends died. The father was unable to care for the five children, which included a baby. Flannery called the school and volunteered to take the baby. It wasn’t long before three of the daughters were staying with the Flannerys.

             Eventually, the DHS visited with the Flannery family and encouraged them to become certified foster parents. The rest is history.

            With children in need, the couple never saw the need to stop helping. At age 85, Flannery is still a licensed foster parent. She has had several placements already this year, and most often works now as a respite or emergency foster parent. A police car stopping at her home in the middle of the night means only one thing — a child is about to meet a new “grandma.”

            She will give them something good to eat, wash their clothes, tuck them in bed, and make them feel safe. Flannery is a woman who has seen God at work in her life, and she is determined to give back.

            “I am very grateful that God has given us (Larry and me) the skills to care for these children,” she said. “God is always at work.”

            She encourages others to give God a chance to work on them.

            “Step back, take a breath, God will help you,” she advised.
 
Berglund is a freelance writer based in Dayton. She is a member of Holy Trinity Parish of Webster County.

Cover photo: Marge Flannery and her daughter, Mari, at the family’s Fort Dodge home. Fostering children has been a way of life for Flannery for now 50 years.